EU fish day
It was all smiles at the EU summit in Brussels, the first time in years British politicians weren't flinging abuse at EU partners. Mrs Mayhem appeared to be entering the spirit of the occasion, for once. “Sacre Bleu”, she exclaimed, as President Macron presented her with a sample of the new Brexit British passport, just delivered from the printers in France.
M Junker was in a cheery mood as he proposed a new European public holiday, "from now on, we will celebrate EU fish day each year, in honour of Brexit. In fact let's have it every month! Europe was threatened with a seafood deficit but now, thanks to the negotiating "skills" of our UK chums Madame Mayhem and Monsieurs Davis and Bunter, we'll have all the fish we can eat for years. In fact, I must appeal to Herr Farage and Lord Grease-Smog, please stop throwing fish into your tidal waters. We have more than enough already. EU consumers must get used to eating more fish, much, much more, if we're going to get through all this," M Junker said, sipping a cheeky gin from a hip flask, on the margins of the summit.
Mrs Mayhem was in a relaxed mood, having been temporarily displaced from her role as lead performer of Europe's most unpopular comedy act. Tzar Vladimir of the Russian Federation of Chemical Salesmen has eclipsed Team Brexit’s efforts recently, although Boris Bunter is leading a spirited defence of Britain's cherished, "most despised", status by renewing a series of slanderous Nazi comparisons against everyone from Cherbourg to Vladivostok.
Back in the UK, J Grease-Smog is said to be assisting police with their enquiries into the mysterious hijacking of a fishing trawler by a group of deranged fish jihadists threatening to dock at Westminster pier with a cargo of rotting Haddock. Health & Safety officials are investigating video-tape evidence of an alleged piscatorial fly-tipping incident in the Thames involving some very dodgy-looking characters. River Police wish to interview a suspected fish fundamentalist and part-time politician from Kent who, they say, should not be approached by members of the public as he's a noisy and volatile headbanger who talks a load of dangerous Codswallop ( and stinks like it).
Fact. Britain has conceded all the EU's key negotiating objectives in talks to date. There has been no significant change in any of the EU's positions since the Article 50 letter was issued.
Further fact. The EU is united in defending the single market & European solidarity. Brexiteer claims that the EU would crumble under pressure have been reversed.
The EU-UK Brexit talks are not, in fact, a negotiation. They are a slow-motion recognition of the EU’s core principles of mutual support, collaboration and shared resources, by Tory fundamentalists who have trouble accepting reality.