Brussels shell out!
Yes. It’s the news we’ve been waiting for, Britain’s secretary of state for abandoning national sovereignty, Monsieur Davis, has returned from Munich....(er, Brussels) with the vital document, listing the terms of surrender. The UK will take back control of its fishing stocks by giving unlimited access to EU trawlers to take their fill of British crustaceans, cod, haddock, sole, old shopping trolleys and beer cans scraped from the bottom of the channel. The UK’s borders will remain open to all-comers from the EU. UK citizens will proudly continue to obey the rulings of the European Court of Justice while Tory head-bangers will continue to complain about Brussels and the bloody French ‘n Germans. Yes, it’s business as usual, and we even get to pay billions into the EU budget every year, just like we used to. “It’s the deal we’ve all been waiting for”, said a visibly relieved Mr Davis.
“We’ll make considerable savings by not having to send any British MEPs to the EU parliament now that we no longer have to get involved in making rules over there. There will be no further expense in sending British ministers to EU council meetings to discuss issues of mutual interest. We’ll get a monthly email with the latest instructions and new laws to be observed. It’s a much more streamlined and efficient arrangement, as I’m sure any reasonable person must agree” Mr Davis added.
Michel Barnier, EU chief negotiator was brief and to the point, as usual, “Monsieur Davis est un cretin total“, he said as he hurried to his limousine.
Mr J Grease-Smog could not be reached for comment owing to being unexpectedly detained in a dark cellar underneath Westminster hall. Ex Fuhrer Farage was said to be consulting with his advisers in various local hostelries. Friends of Herr Farage were heard complaining of a total sell- out. “It’s the longest surrender note in history” said a FUKIP spokesman, on his way to the local Aldi to stock up on cut-price German beer.
Simon Coveney, the Irish foreign minister was laughing so uncontrollably he was unable to speak. Mr Coveney’s spokesman admitted the Irish authorities were pleasantly surprised at the Tory government’s total capitulation.
Fact check The “transition “ deal means the UK will continue with all the obligations and most benefits of membership of the EU with little or no influence in making EU laws or policies, until the 1st of January 2021, at least.
Further fact check The UK government has already made an informal request to extend the “transition period” beyond the official end date on the 31st of December 2020. The EU commission have indicated they will not oppose this request. There are huge administrative burdens and negotiating hurdles to be cleared before Britain can conclude a new Trade Agreement with the EU, which is likely to look very like the old relationship with the EU, but with fewer benefits and no representation in the EU parliament or the EU council.
I believe that, as the reality of the “transition” deal sinks in, Brexit lies will begin to be seen for what they are, even among committed Leavers. Many Brexiters are already grumbling about this “sell-out”. Tory divisions can only get worse as people ask; is it worth it? This may be moment when the tide begins to run the other way. Bugger Brexit J.F.