The Book of Jez 1. The amazing rise of Jeremy Corbyn


1. And Lo the prophet Jez bestirred himself and went into the town to confer with the people who would see him right for election as leader of the elders. He addressed a throng of paid ticket holders while a multitude waited outside in the rain, straining to hear a word. Jez stroked his beard, held his arms aloft and spoke at length to the chosen few. They listened, spellbound, to every word. They rose in thunderous applause when Jez finished. He smiled mysteriously at them and he passed slowly through the hall to the multitude outside. He climbed onto a fire engine, looked down over a sea of expectant faces and he spoke. “Yeah though ye shall travel through the valley of the shadow of darkness, so shall ye be crammed together like sardines with your nose pressed into a stranger’s armpit in standard class while the Tories and their dissolute followers disport themselves in wanton comfort, making jokes about your plight, sipping filtered water from French volcanoes in the first class carriages. But I tell you we will wipe the smiles from their faces when we take back ownership of the iron rail-way and it will be standing room only for the Tories and their allies, the Kendalists and the Burnhamites.” As he spoke a murmur spread among the crowd, for they knew it was so. They had seen it for themselves and were well acquainted with the malodours stench of the stranger’s armpit on the six thirty from Waterloo to Reading. And a rumour spread among the throng. The prophet would get it sorted. There would be carriages for women only where handmaidens and comely wenches would stretch their legs and read the glossy gossip pages without fear or interference. Tory scribes laughed at the prophet for he was clearly mad as a hatter and would lead his followers through a wilderness where they would wander in pitiful desolation for many years, although it was noted the Tories led them into the wilderness in the first place and showed no inclination to show the scruffy proles a way out. And yea the Tories misrepresented every word the prophet spoke, for they secretly feared he had rumbled their game and would put an end to their years of wasteful indolence for they knew in their hearts they were a clueless, shifty lot and they were onto a good thing that could not last forever. And so it came to pass. The Tory scribes almost burst their sides laughing at the women-only carriages. The very idea! It was unbelievable, clear evidence the prophet had completely lost it. The Tory scribes would have gasped if they knew Jez had even more radical plans. There would be women only carriages, certainly but there would also be specially reserved areas for entryist gay and lesbian Marxist-Leninists. There would be reserved seating for transgender vegetarians and a special area for carbon-neutral, homeopathic sandal-wearing vegans. Revisionist Trotskyists and closet Tory sympathisers would have to stand with their noses pressed against each other all the way home. Let the false prophetess Kendall chew on that!

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